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Joke of the Day

"How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!"

"I told my kids I'd rather they ""pull the plug"" than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines. So they hid my phone charger."

"I asked Siri to tell me a joke She turned the front-facing camera on"

"Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I'm so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it's my husband."

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with large tits? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean"

"When someone shows you they don't want to be a part of your life, let them go. I'm not saying you can't make a voodoo doll of them, though."

"What is better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!"

"I could have sworn I saw fig flavored altoids the other day.. must have been a figment of my imagination."

"Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he started it. Trying to get into small pants."

"Somebody just said ""good morning"" to me in the elevator. Stare at the buttons like everyone else, asshole."