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Joke of the Day

"I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed."

"My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard."

"Why Does Waldo Wear Stripes? Because he doesn't want to be SPOTTED!!!"

"I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me I'll never find love."

"A son says to his father... A son says to his father ""Dad, I forget. Am I awesome or fantastic?"" The father replies ""No son, you're autistic."""

"Why did linkin park wrap themselves up in plastic wrap before they jumped off a cliff? So in the end they didn't even splatter."

"""They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!"" -- me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors"

"Steven Avery Did you see all the buzz on tv about the Wisconsin criminal that is working the system to manipulate the public for a second chance? Steven Avery no, Scott Walker!"

"If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used."

"Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro."