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Joke of the Day

"There are 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murders, but why are there no 90th degree murders? Because murder is not right"

"My mind is a micro-government, fighting wars of its own creation for profit."

"My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery."

"I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper."

"Shoutout out to maps. I don't know where in the world I'd be without them"

"Sometimes I'll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I'm doing, I'll say, ""Pretend stoplight."""

"What did the Nazi say to the clock that only went: ""tick ____ tick ____ tick ____"" ? ""Ve have Vays of making you tock!"""

"Where should we look to stem global overpopulation? The youth in Asia....."

"If you jumped off a bridge in Paris You'd be In seine"

"How's anal like your first car? (x-post from r/funny) You don't really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways. (From Dark Humor on FB)"