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Joke of the Day

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow."

"I found out it was snowing by looking outside. WTF Twitter? You are suppossed to tell me these things first."

"I want to write in my resume how experienced I am in burning bridges... ...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference."

"I can't stand when guys complain about their girlfriends giving shitty hand jobs I see where they're coming from, but something about it just rubs me the wrong way"

"A cicada crawled up my butt while I was sleeping last night. I'm not worried though. It'll come out in 13 years."

"Why Did The NSA Worker Have To Stay In Russia? He Was Snowed In(Snowden) ;)"

"What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common? Can't touch this!"

"What is a Redneck virgin? A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!"

"My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, ""OH HELL NO"" and suggested we see Cinderella instead."

"People say I'm too condescending. (That means I talk down to them)"