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Joke of the Day

"Why did the TV execs decide not to create a new reality show about philosophers? Because it would only be for a Neitzsche audience"

"Anytime I see a person wrapped in a Snuggie, I think, that's a person I could easily set on fire."

"Did you know I am part of the 1% of Rare, Beautiful, handsome and modest people!"

"I used to have a Russian friend who was a terrible driver... He was stalin"

"Me: What did she say about me? Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? ...What else?"

"I walked into an explosives shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my pin."

"GOD: Done. ANGEL: What is it? GOD: A penguin. ANGEL: So it can fly, right? GOD: This one's a swimmin' bird. ANGEL: Dude... are you ok?"

"I said to my girlfriend, ""Please get me a newspaper."" ""Don't be silly,"" she replied, ""you can borrow my iPad."" That spider never knew what fucking hit it."

"I am one bottle of shower gel away from being able to open my own Christmas gift shop in my shower."

"I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings."