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Joke of the Day

"I once saw a headstone that read ""here lies a politician and an honest man."" I wonder how they fit two people in one casket."

"[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you'll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings"

"Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks, ""Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"""

"What has 7 arms and sucks? Def Leppard"

"Unroll wrapping paper. Shoo cat away Turn to get gift Shoo cat away Get tape Dammit cat Get tape Wrap up cat Wrap up gift Pet cat"

"What do you call it when you soak a thumbdrive in vodka and shove it up your keister... an upload."

"Vice Presidents and Homicide Detectives have a similar job... ...They both work if someone dies"

"How to measure the perfect amount of pasta Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta. Step 2: Wrong."

"A man orders a coffee without milk. The barista replies, ""I'm sorry, we're out of milk. Can I get you a coffee without cream instead?"""

"You know how drinks always mention ""Please drink responsibly"" ? ... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions ""Please jerk responsibly"""