25076

Joke of the Day

"I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn't my panicked gasping breathing."

"Does your skin feel burnt? Because I think you must have just fallen down from heaven, and re-entry gave you a tan."

"What do you call a Dothraki mathematician Khal culator"

"If I wake up early, it's only because there are a lot of things I want to eat that day."

"Dear Tequila, we had a deal last night. You were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk"

"A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, ""Can I use your Dictaphone?"" He says, ""No, dial with your finger like everyone else."""

"If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, ""You showed up latte for work today!"" then when the laughing stops, ""but no, you're fired."""

"My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."

"Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale."

"SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, ""N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S"""