24704

Joke of the Day

"If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut."

"Aspirin Before climbing into bed, a man sets down a glass of water and an aspirin on his wife's bedside table. ""What's this for? I don't have a headache"" she says. ""Good. Let's fuck."""

"What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat? A shh-kebab. --- I love you too, fellas."

"""Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, I know you're asleep but I just wanted to let you know that I'm like 14 miles away from your house right now!"" -Trains"

"The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute."

"On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at Twitter on my iPhone."

"What is the swamp-dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians"

"As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku."

"Son: ""Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"" Mom: *staring at dad Dad: ...*clenches fists Mom: ...don't! Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter"

"Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night. Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do? *falls asleep at 7 p.m.*"