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Joke of the Day

"[in basement lab] wife: you cant just make your own honey me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa."

"""This is where the magic happens."" - Harry Potter walking into his bedroom and every other room on MTV Cribs."

"*[At the dinner table]* ""No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"""

"Did you know there is a dating website for amphetamine addicts? Speeddating.com"

"WHAT DO WE WANT? no more interruptions! WHEN D now!"

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job."

"My girlfriend said she's fed up of me pretending im a detective, and we should split up... I told her that's a great idea, we can cover more ground that way."

"Have you heard the story about the suicide bomber? I haven't but I heard it is BLOWING up"

"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."

"[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes] ""im not looking for any trouble"" all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD"