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Joke of the Day

"I used to make a living crushing cans. It was soda pressing."

"Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there."

"[donating blood] ""You're looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?"" ""No thanks, I've just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns."""

"A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools."

"Huz and kids want to go to waffle house for breakfast but I didn't even remember to pack our bullet proof vests."

"I gave all my batteries away free of charge."

"Autocorrect: Without it you're fucked. And with it you're ducked."

"*consoling friend who is a baker* I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now."

"When your prospective father-in-law asks:""Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?"" Do NOT say:""Because I am tired of using my own"""

"All my life, I've wanted to learn how to juggle... But I never had the balls to try"