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Joke of the Day

"ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled"

"What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with Herpes have in common? They all ""Feel The Burn!"""

"I think I've lost an electron. Ion a minute, are you positive?"

"You know the fly was really close to being called a land... Because that's what it does half the time. RIP Mitch Hedberg"

"That moment when it's Sunday and you have alzheimer And you're waiting so hard for the Sunday to come"

"If every time I didn't have something nice to say, I didn't say it at all, people would think I was a mute."

"Morning is like someone constantly whispering ""fuck you"" into your ear."

"Two fish are in a tank. After a while one of them asks the other ""How do you drive this thing?"""

"Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian? Cuz they got tired of Stalin."

"My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes."