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Joke of the Day

"ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled"

"How do you shut up a deaf person? Punch them in the hands."

"Daddy daddy, why do I keep walking in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure"

"The defense rests your honor. *camera pans to defendant taking a nap*"

"Q: Why do women have tits? A: So men will talk to them."

"I keep having hallucinations of pickles. My therapist says I'm dillusional."

"Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates. The good ones are already taken."

"Will only make sense to geezers... Q: What do Hot Lips Hoolihan and Richard Pryor have in common? A: They both have had major burns on their face."

"At the Airport Customs: Where is your passport Me: *hands credit card* Customs: You can't bribe me Me: It's my visa"