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Joke of the Day

"Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*"

"Two gays are on an elevator One of them says ""Ew! It smells like dick in here!"" ""Sorry,"" says the other. ""I burped""."

"I wish these fundamentalists would stop blaming natural disasters on the gays. Everybody knows Sandy happened because of the confluent evils of Wall Street and Jersey Shore."

"Coworker came back into the office after being out sick for one day. Me: Feeling better? Him: Yea, I had a bad case of Ass Glaucoma. Me: What? Him: Yea! I couldn't see my ass being drug to work!"

"2016 is like a crisp autumn wind on a clear day in Venice It blows. (Get well soon Carrie)"

"Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute? Ya gotta hand it to her..."

"If the next iPhone is a 6s... Does that mean the one after that will be a failure?"

"I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser."

"You know when you read a page of a book and then realize you didn't absorb any of it? I think I did that with my life."

"There are 2 types of people in this world: Those who pee in the shower... And stinkin' LIARS!"