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Joke of the Day

"*erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*"

"How do you get a nun pregnant? Fuck her."

"3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen? Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt."

"I guess one thing can be said about the election... It was allright."

"Someone told me flowers had sex organs... ....what a load of Poppycock!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google ""Fatal Engine Error:38"" & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks"

"What do you call a paper car? A paper-machacedes"

"Have you ever nicknamed somebody Penny.. because they didn't make a lot of sense?"

"My boyfriend cheated on me So I convinced him to get matching tattoos... he went first and I went home"

"[first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*"