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Joke of the Day

"Why do aspirins work? Because they're white."

"WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic THERAPIST [to me] Is that right? ME: No. It should be fewer arguments"

"I was once put in the 'friend zone,"" but with perseverance that all changed. I'm now in the 'must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.'"

"Has anyone ever seen Matthew McConaughey and a statue made out of overcooked bacon in the same room together"

"Over the weekend, my girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said ""Wow, that's an awfully big word for a 12 year old."""

"Dude, relax. Nothing wrong with a little experimenting. You're making a brokeback mountain out of a brokeback molehill."

"What do feminists do in Halloween? They go Triggertreating."

"I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing. Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts..."

"I'm giving ""Up"" DVDs for Lent"

"Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters"