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Joke of the Day

"I opened the microwave without knocking and caught my hot dogs touching tips."

"So proton calls up electron and says, ""Electron! It's proton, where the hell are you?"" And electron says, ""Um, I don't know. But I can tell you were I probably am!"""

"Yelling out ""Stranger Danger!"" is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code."

"I used to be a senile UPS worker Shit I messed up the delivery"

"Why did Sally fall of the swingset? She had no arms. BONUS JOKE: Knock Knock. Who's there? Not Sally."

"Have you heard the one about the roof? never mind, just forget about it, it's probably over your head."

"woman driver I was on my way to work today, when I saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. I thought to myself, ""At least she's honest."""

"Why is divorce so expensive? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT!!!"

"What's the worst part of giving a magician a ride home? When you get there, you turn into the driveway. Ba-dum-bum! Don't forget to tip your waitress!"

"What was Jesus never thankful for? Fridays."