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Joke of the Day

"What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN? Saddest joke ever."

"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut."

"Don't apologize because you haven't tweeted in a while. No one cared."

"Two pretzels were walking down the street, then one got a-salted"

"How do boats apologise? S**oar**ry!"

"What animals do you bring to bed? Your calves."

"5/6 doctors agree... Russian roulette is completely safe!"

"I wish your vagina had a ""clear history"" button."

"LG is like XDA... ... they release a phone and they go like ""Any problems? You tell me""."

"I bet the Americans feel really stupid now. They've spent millions fighting ISIS when all they had to do was change their profile picture."