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Joke of the Day

"I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it's for her is to eat it. Apparently"

"My gran once had a bad stroke, so i screamed ""its not fucking good enough"" and pushed her into the bunker"

"That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn't even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music."

"I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write."

"I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex."

"Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter."

"I have a fetish fetish. Things that turn me on turn me on."

"I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story"

"Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear... [2 days later] *Caesar opens mailbox* ""oh FFS Van Gogh IT'S A SAYING!!!!!'"

"Have you heard the news about the courduroy pillows? They're making headlines!"