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Joke of the Day

"What's the safest place in Dallas during a tornado? The Cowboys stadium, the only place there'll never be a touchdown"

"Bill Cosby was puddin' his pop where it didn't belong."

"What's ET short for? He's only got little legs"

"*helping son with math problem* [hour later] JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!"

"You're a big Internet fan aren't you? Yes - it's becoming a habit!"

"Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work... Me: Why, is something wrong?! Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne..."

"Your plastic surgery looks amazing. Your rotting, lifeless corpse is going to look so young. The other corpses will be so jealous."

"Can't believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack"

"It's good to know how to jerk off sometimes... It comes in handy."

"How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully"