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Joke of the Day

"I organised a party for men who suffer from premature ejaculation... There's no strict dress code, just come in your pants."

"[at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left."

"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it"

"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like a choir boy"

"Why are autistic people like black people? They all look the same."

"Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing ""you Two look fantastic!!"" on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it."

"The fact that the British call math ""maths"" scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math."

"ALERT: If u got a message from me saying ""I Need To Contact Poopy Woman"" that was a hacker or error. I called the cops and they are mad"

"My freshman year of college I farted in a tiny crowded dorm room & a girl's younger sister who was visiting & wasn't even drunk threw up."

"i'm a functioning alcoholic which means i like alcohol roughly as much as i like functioning."