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Joke of the Day

"[lightbulb store] owner: ""what watt can i get you?"" me: owner: me: owner: ""did i stutter?"" me: ""i dont know"""

"Haven't taken a dump in 4 days and I feel fine. Then again, I could just be full of shit."

"What's faster than the speed of light? The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*"

"Why is 6 afraid of 7? 7 is black."

"Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny? Because they are always losing pounds."

"What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game? Homogeneous."

"Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks. It was the 2nd grossest taste I've ever had in my mouth. (No offense, Andrea.)"

"Damn Pedophiles... Back at it again with the white vans"

"I'm going to grab 'em by the pussy. Don't downvote me!! I'm being ""presidential"""

"What's the difference between an egg and a redditor? An egg gets laid"