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Joke of the Day

"i get sad for like an hour and then happy for 5 minutes and then sad for another hour and then happy for 3 minutes omg break ups r real hard"

"Whenever I get a message that begins with ""Hey Stranger"" I know I'm about to be asked for a favor by someone I don't want to help."

"Fat girls just want to have Funyuns."

"[first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what's the signal for a shark Me: sharks don't really give signals they just show up"

"The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine."

"One of the benefits of being a hermit You're always the best-dressed man in the room."

"Why are black people so tall? Because their knee grows."

"Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad"

"I'm getting really tired of this shit No, seriously, I've been sitting here pushing for like 25 minutes but nothing will come out and I'm exhausted."

"TIL: Colonel Sanders had a younger brother who was a plumber. Urinal Sanders"