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Joke of the Day

"Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?"

"Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero."

"Why did the T-Rex get kicked outta the porn shoot? Because he had a reptile dysfunction"

"REACT [removed]"

"My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know? Clearly not as much as me."

"when is it OK to spit a mexican woman in the face? when her stache is on fire!"

"did you hear about the guy with five penises? his pants fit like a glove."

"[solicitor reading my will] ""He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose], He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard""."

"[flirting w/girl at bar] And that's why [takes sip from elephant sippy cup] I always use a sippy cup [lid falls off and spills juice on me]"

"I'm Canadian so if I ever apologize to you, know that it was a reflex and not sincere."