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Joke of the Day

"(Adobe CEO's house) Like the new couch hun? Update it. What about the wallpap... UPDATE IT ALL. You're scaring the ki... UPDATE THEM TOO..."

"I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse."

"If the Narwhal Bacons at Midnight... Does the Unicorn Potato at Noon?"

"The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire"

"On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face."

"When someone says, ""I haven't seen you in forever,"" a fun response is, ""I know, we're really not that good of friends"""

"The longest joke in the world. [Worth it.] (http://www.longestjokeintheworld.com)"

"""Please stop that."" -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing"

"Why can't you shop in the UAE? There's nothing Dubai."

"Jesus, take the wheel! *steering wheel disappears* *car careens into tree*"