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Joke of the Day

"An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker"

"What's the difference between a kid and a cat? Who has the diploma when you get rid of them."

"Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping"

"I've been told I look like a young Denzel Washington's white neighbor."

"I consider myself very decisive.. I guess."

"So excited for the season finale of America I hope there's another season though..."

"[my work enemy steve reaches in the basket of muffins my wife made] don't do it steve ""hey everyone come watch me eat brent's wife's muffin"""

"I caught my girl cheating with my best friend on my new leather couch... Of course I yelled at him.. He's not allowed on the couch. (Made this one up this morning.. Still playing with the wording)"

"What is a relationship? It's the one that always sinks...."

"*opens ""Job Interview Handbook"" *reads ""dress for the job you want"" *goes to computer *opens browser *Googles ""ladies' bicycle seat costume"""