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Joke of the Day

"I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet."

"The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn't lost on me. *faints*"

"Is onamonapia.... umderstood by deaf people?"

"I can't believe I got fired from my job at the DNA testing facility. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I put in."

"I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while."

"Video Games made me do it. Rock n' Roll made me do it. Witches made me do it. Satan made me do it. - a short history of responsibility"

"co-pilot: ""ask in a way that won't panic everyone"" pilot: ""ok"" [via intercom] ""is there a fireman on the plane?"""

"Every time you talk to your wife, you should remember that 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes.'"

"What did the gay crocodile do when made the head coach of a thirsty football team? He gave them GatorAIDS"

"This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:""F*CKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!"" Apparently, ""Can I watch?"" is not an appropriate reply."