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Joke of the Day

"OMG you guys. I just got asked out. By a real live guy. I don't know what to do!? Play dead? Duck and roll? I'm so confused!!"

"Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)"

"What do you do when you lose your Kia car? You go Soul-searching."

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lamborghini? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine"

"What's the difference between a smoker and a crossfitter? Most smokers know and acknowledge the fact that they're slowly killing themsleves."

"I have sexdaily *dyslexia"

"Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it? (Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty."

"Son: I'm gay, dad. Dad: no I'm gay dad Dad #2: no I'm gay dad"

"My house is clean so please don't eat or drink or come by or let my child come home."

"I have conversational ninja skills... People don't notice when I'm talking."