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Joke of the Day

"I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom."

"Sorry I didn't text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn't want to mess up my phone."

"Half of all the people who go to an abortion clinic come out alive..."

"The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding... It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!"

"I admire the way that, even with millions of followers, celebrities on Twitter rarely succumb to the pressure to be funny."

"Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping."

"What joke did drake get when talking to diddy? The punchline"

"A dentist goes to another dentist to fix a cavity. When his dentist started to explain the procedure, he stopped him and said, ""Don't worry, I know the drill."""

"My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants"

"My wife said I needed to grow up I was speechless It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth"