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Joke of the Day

"The past, present, and future walks into a bar. It was tense."

"I'm on hold with West Elm and they're playing a contemporary jazz song with a man saying ""aquarium"" every 4 counts. Hold music is evolving"

"So the other day this guy almost died because of [removed]"

"Just once I'd like to make it through a game of mini golf without having to smash someone's windshield out with the putter"

"I had to break it off with my girlfriend. She wouldn't fake orgasms. I can't be with someone who doesn't care about my needs."

"Math jokes never work on me I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up."

"What happened to the horse that ate a duracell battery? He went on furlong-er."

"Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school"

"just Facebook stalked the sister of the new boyfriend of the last girl who dated my ex. I'm just as confused as you are"

"I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours."