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Joke of the Day

"A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent. That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot."

"A guy waved at me and ran over the other day... He said ""oh sorry I thought you were someone else!"" I said, ""I am"" -Demetri Martin"

"Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie"

"I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English."

"All of these people are screaming like they've never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach."

"What's so cool about cemeteries? I don't get it. People are dying to get in them."

"How do you know Satan's barbeque ribs are good? Cos they're trident tested. #noapologies"

"Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier.........."

"*into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers"

"According to the BMI chart I am too short."