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Joke of the Day

"I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day. I'm adding 'enjoys eating out' to my dating profile."

"How many Orthodox Hasidic Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, ya mensch. It's Shabbat."

"#ThoughtsInMyHead 1. How much wine can a cat drink? 2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat? 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?"

"Me: Put on your seatbelt. 13: Do I have to? Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield 13: cool Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!"

"Elon Musk was born in South Africa, and made an electric car. What if he had been born in Madagascar? He would have made a gas car"

"My Jewish friend always had such a positive outlook on life, even as he suffered from such horrible constipation. As he'd always say, ... This two shall pass."

"Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples."

"Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke."

"Why is Santa so jolly? ...Because he knows where all the bad girls live!"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese."