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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the one about Donald Trump and the 7 pissing prostitutes? Because the real joke is CNN's journalistic integrity."

"Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage."

"8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today"

"I don't like to brag about my cat-like reflexes. That said, could someone please call for help? I got startled and am stuck in a tree."

"Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."

"My sense of humor is so sophisticated... ...it's not even funny."

"I had a boyfriend once....right up until the moment my dad asked him ""so what do you do?"" and he replied your daughter. He's Dead."

"After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide."

"Two months ago my best friend took off with my wife. And god damnit, I miss him."

"Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: Fsh."