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Joke of the Day

"Pretty cool how money could literally solve all my problems."

"How do you get a fool to read something? Mark it as NSFW"

"Where do stoner cars store their weed? In potholes."

"I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy."

"[Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How 'bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we've been over this, I don't know how many McNuggets it will hold."

"Jokes about being drunk on Twitter are redundant. Maintaining a Twitter account automatically implies that you're drinking on some level."

"My gay friend got stoned today. I told him Saudi Arabia was not a good honeymoon destination but he didn't listen."

"""Just the tip,"" I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza."

"I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something. I forgot I can't run five miles."

"When you're talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit."