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Joke of the Day

"Me: Shot through the heart 911: What is your location? Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon? Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up"

"I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy. Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore."

"""Daddy, why is it dark at night?"" It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny."

"Ready for battle, I taunted Monday and spit in its face, but when I woke up from my drunken haze, I realized I'd been yelling at Sunday."

"Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? - A: Should we walk home or take a dog?"

"Gentleman My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down."

"I want what any normal girl wants in life... A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones."

"Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they'll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food."

"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Yeah, great food but no atmosphere."

"Why is toilet paper no good for wrapping presents? Cos it's tear-able."