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Joke of the Day

"A subscription to *Time* is not the most difficult concept to get your head around. I've told you: *Time* and *Time* again."

"There's been four dudes wandering around our local cemetery all morning. I think they've lost the plot."

"ME: ""Trick or bear?"" NEIGHBOR: ""Bear?"" ME: ""HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!"" [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]"

"[Nsfw] So I went to this convention for women who had lost their legs... The place was crawling with pussy."

"[getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie"

"I ask that my remains me kept in an urn... ...and whoever keeps the urn squirts some lotion in there periodically because you guys know I can't stand being ashy."

"My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. "

"""Tom Brady did nothing wrong"" is Boston's ""The Confederate Flag isn't really about slavery."""

"What knight of the round table never paid with cash when buying something? Sir Charge"

"""Love me do"" was written by John Lennon... After he got a really nice haircut"