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Joke of the Day

"My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up."

"My girlfriend wanted to have a talk about how childish i am But she didn't have the secret password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in"

"My momma always said life is like a load of laundry. Sometimes you gotta separate the colors from the whites."

"When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?"

"I like to sit outside Barnes & Noble with my iPad and make caveman noises at the people coming out with real books."

"Caesar tried to run when the senate came after him... but his leg muscles couldn't carry him fast enough. As he fell to the ground he cried out ""Et tu, glutes!"""

"1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours 2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money"

"As of now, I only know of three Jewish holidays: Hanukkah The Bar Mitzvah The Oscars"

"21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password."

"This comes from a good place in my heart, homeless people build the best forts I've ever fucking seen."