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Joke of the Day

"My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that."

"If you've watched even one episode of two and a half men... ...you're gonna need to go ahead and get yourself tested."

"My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards."

"What was the atmosphere like in the silent wooden part of a hospital? It was an oakward experience."

"Lowe's banned me for yelling ""From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!"", as I explained how much carpet I needed."

"Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it."

"The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store."

"A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean...... Both crews were marooned"

"Polar Bear Q: How do you catch a polar bear? A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."

"Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic."