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Joke of the Day

"Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature."

"Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?"

"What do you call snacks served at a brothel? whore d'oeuvres"

"I do ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button."

"If you want someone to like you never text first. If they text you then don't text back. Never, ever talk. It's the only way to make it work"

"A man walks into a bell tower and shoots 16 people... America responds by restricting access to bell towers."

"A C-string walks into a bar... A C-string walks into a bar and points to a char next to a float. ""Can I join you?"" he asks. The float replies ""You're not my type"" and orders a double."

"How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie."

"Sometimes I look down at my cleavage and I'm like, ""wow!"" ""That's where the rest of that cookie went!"""

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Albee ! Albee ! Albee a monkey's uncle !"