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Joke of the Day

"The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon... ... it was the crack of dawn."

"[shines flashlight under chin] In my day, kids ate gluten and rode bikes without helmets and OPEN LETTERS DIDN'T EXIST [children scream]"

"What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS"

"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A picture of Jesus only needs *one nail* to hold it up."

"Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?"

"I eat mushrooms for petit dejeuner. It's the breakfast of champignons."

"The phrase ""Whatever floats your boat"" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water."

"Asking a girl to the barbecue. Me: ""You going to the barbecue?"" Her: ""What barbecue?"" Me: ""The one where I stick my meat on your grill."""

"So, a female friend asked me for my honest, unbiased opinion of her... ...on a scale from 1 to 10. I looked her up and down and said, quickly, ""You're an eight."" I think she peed a little."

"It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous."