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Joke of the Day

"[shines flashlight under chin] In my day, kids ate gluten and rode bikes without helmets and OPEN LETTERS DIDN'T EXIST [children scream]"

"*sees Deer Crossing sign* *further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix* ""Oh wow, they weren't lying"""

"What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars"

"I married a French girl and had three sons We named our first son Antoine. We named our second son Anteux. We named our third son Antthree."

"I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things."

"Q: What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? A: I have my eye on you."

"Why did Leonardo DiCaprio visit Sesame Street? It was his only chance to see an Oscar"

"People who carry their dogs around, You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It's like one of the top known things about dogs"

"How are wives like cholesterol? If you ignore them for too long they'll probably end up killing you"

"Retweet if you're naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you'd like to meet him!"