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Joke of the Day

"Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012"

"""Sleep is for the dead"". Yeah cos you look so alive when you're yawning. #stupidsayings"

"I decided not to let C into my fancy club. It lacks class."

"If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their ""mental status"" in addition to each new status update."

"[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute"

"Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America ? On their feet !"

"In Russia I like my coffee the way I like my women..."

"What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel!"

"Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?"

"Crazy lady next to me forgot to take her meds, flipping out and shit. I hate seeing this. Just going to walk away from my mirror now."