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Joke of the Day

"I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures."

"""I'd like one personal pizza please"" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. ""Whoa maybe not that personal"""

"""Would you like to put your hand deep into this hole"" - Pokemon I know it says no outside links but it's necessary cause it's a screenshot of a poorly phrased event in Pokemon http://imgur.com/a/Zt8X6"

"Why did the physicist throw out his shag rug? He assumed the lawnmower was a vacuum"

"if your best friend Jack was stuck on of a horse, would you help your friend Jack off a horse?"

"I was walking along the road the other day when I saw a dead, baby ghost... ...however if I think about it it was probably a handkerchief"

"CAT VAMPIRE: let me in! ME: ok CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl- ME: *closes door* CAT VAMPIRE: ... CAT VAMPIRE: let me out"

"I just deleted all the German names from my phone Now it's Hans free."

"Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone? The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film."

"""listen up, I'm only going to show you this once!"" ~ suicide bomber teacher."