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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I see someone pick up an avocado, feel it, and put it back I pick up that same avocado and whisper ""you're still beautiful"" to it."

"Sorry, ladies; I've never had a period. Can't relate. Had a semicolon once, after being hit by a bus, so I feel like that was pretty close."

"Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say ""well, she was always kind of like this."""

"I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter."

"Me: ""All my friends are getting married."" Grandma: ""Yeah? All my friends are dying."""

"To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!"

"How do you know you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows."

"A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend... She says ""I guess I'll have to spread my legs now"" And he replies ""Why, don't you have a vase?"""

"When people put punchlines in the title. You know what I hate most about /r/Jokes?"

"I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That's a pun in ten dead."