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Joke of the Day

"A man phones work and says ""Sorry, but I can't come in today, I'm really sick."" The boss asks, ""How sick are you?"" ""Well..."" the man replies ""I'm in bed with my mother."""

"I tried tap dancing once... ... I kept falling in the sink."

"*eats a bag of chips* *eats 2 baked potatoes* *eats a plate of fries* *eats a plate of mashed potatoes* Being a vegetarian is easy!"

"Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time."

"On a scale of 1 to 10 you can't even weigh yourself unless you are an infant or leprechaun or something."

"there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people."

"Q: What do little trees say on Halloween? A: Twig or treat."

"If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail."

"My phone reception is so clear, I can hear my wife's eyes rolling as I talk."

"Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted ""put a ring on it"" to five random male names. Stay tuned."