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Joke of the Day

"I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones."

"Two types of people There are two types of people in this world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data"

"LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from."

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

"I'm lazy as fuck.. If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die."

"I refuse to dance to any song that tells me how to dance in the lyrics"

"Emailing teachers be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: ""sure"" -sent from my iPhone"

"What's the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber."

"The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari."

"If you're attacking a paraplegic convention... Are you harming unarmed citizens?"