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Joke of the Day

"In New York someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard."

"Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!"

"Me. *Throws coat over a puddle* Her. ""WTF are you doing with my coat?"""

"Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf"

"? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be... ? Wait, hang on...my bad, those are vultures."

"Zombies..stay away from junk people or you'll gain a shit-ton of weight."

"If I heard Matthew McConaughey only drank water out of a garden hose attached to the side of his house, I'd totally believe it."

"*watches a movie with you* *loudly beeps during all the good parts*"

"how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?? pick it up and suck its dick"

"[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason."