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Joke of the Day

"Why are turtles dangerous in China ? Because they can turtle you."

"[on a 1st date] Me: I'm just looking to take things slow Her: *in a wedding dress* me too"

"My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused. Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?"

"What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash? ***OINKMENT!*** > (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: > http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)"

"What is green, fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree? A pool table."

"A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer..."

"Good thing Father's Day is only one day. I don't think I could stand to be a father longer than that."

"I decided to give a name to my dinner. It was a Miss Steak."

"Lost my wristwatch at a party once. A guy stepped on it while sexually harassing a girl. I punched him straight in the chin, knocking him out. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch."

"I'm not feeling myself today... ...would YOU do it for me?"