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Joke of the Day

"I like my whiskey like I like my women... Underage and sexy."

"Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet."

"If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she's a slut. If I do the same thing then I'm gay"

"I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess."

"Demons must be obese... ...Because they hate getting exorcised."

"CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them"

"There was only one animal at the zoo... it was a Shihtzu"

"I see subway employees are still having their ""how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich"" contest."

"Have you seen the features on the next-gen iPhone? Just google 'Galaxy S4 reviews'."

"When I sing with my headphones in I think, ""Why don't I have a record deal?!""...Then I take them out and I know why."