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Joke of the Day

"[making flamingos] God: bird. Adam: got it. G: but it stand still a lot. A: ok.. G: on one leg. A: how high are you? G: make it pink."

"Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of. Men want to play with the box the kids come out of."

"NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE Waiter: ahem *points to sign* Me: oh that's fine, I'm not ordering anything"

"I keep my porn in the oven! My wife will never find it there!"

"So my new gardener asked me, for the fourth damn time, which plants needed care. I quickly spun, pointed angrily at the daisies and shouted... ""WATER THOOOOOSE!"""

"What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get."

"Has anyone ever seen Matthew McConaughey and a statue made out of overcooked bacon in the same room together"

"TIL 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the entire population. Title."

"Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant... ""Table for 26, please,"" Jesus tells the hostess. ""But there are only 13 of you."" ""Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."""

"Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big."