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Joke of the Day

"NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE Waiter: ahem *points to sign* Me: oh that's fine, I'm not ordering anything"

"I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it."

"B2.... or not B2... That might be the number. --Shakespearean Bingo Caller"

"How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? All of them!"

"My work out class has a cancellation policy of $15 if you cancel too late. Which means I just spent $15 NOT to work out. I am my own hero."

"If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly."

"As a tall person... Study finds that shorter men will live longer but taller men have a higher shelf life."

"[FIRST DATE] Me, opening mouth seductively: ""And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a"

"What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pussy? When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you"

"What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized"