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Joke of the Day

"Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend? Nah, I've never met herbivore."

"Schools kind of like a penis.. long and hard, unless you're asian."

"TIFU with my girlfriend... ...She was on top"

"If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe"

"Did you hear about the chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history."

"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a rubber band Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!"

"When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food. They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons"

"13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go"

"Twilight drinking game rules: 1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts."

"I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday... whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted"